chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
