I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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