My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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