I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize