my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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