I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
