Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My bed smells like the plague
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