he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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