Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
