Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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