Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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