I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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