I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
