oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
