Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize