I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
