apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
