You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
