guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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