i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
