my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
