I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
