your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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