So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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