I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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