I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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