I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
