We're facebook friends in real life
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
