So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize