DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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