she woke up with a sticky ear
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
