i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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