I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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