I need to stop coming to work sober
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am naked and annoyed.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
