We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
