Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
