Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize