Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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