I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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