I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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