I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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