I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
