i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
