Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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