Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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