a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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