I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
