I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
