I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
