What a fucking waste of an outfit
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
