I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
