please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
