It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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