Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
