this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
