There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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