I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
