I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
