apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
