Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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